Rub it in their faces.....that's how they learn....

let's hear it for unflattering camera angles! lol
Happy Holidays everybody.:)
-ash

Christmas With Szabo!

It's the seventh annual Christmas vlog! Or, first.

The slacker has a personal trainer!!!

Oh yes. Back with a vengeance. Nate got me an Ipod, and gym membership for my Holiday presents!!! The vid tells the story. So pumped!!!!

So...we've become lazy....

Playing With Power from 5-Second Films on Vimeo.

My hubby got a new job, and promised he'd buy me a gym membership for my Christmas present! Working out by myself is just too damn boring. I don't have an Ipod, I don't have an Iphone4 to facetime with people while I do squats. It's lonely. I'm thinking the gym environment would be more conducive to me getting hot, coz I can feed off other people's energy. And compare myself to hot chicks with 6 packs until I only eat half a chicken breast and green beans a day.

Is anyone else out there keeping up with the hotness? If so, PLEASE MOTIVATE ME. CRY FOR HEEELLLPPP!!!
-Ash

What's the hottest thing on a chick? Legs and ass!!

After trolling the internet for various workouts that I can do indoors (i.e. anything other than jogging in the heat. Where's my cold front TX?), I stumbled on Hindu squats.





Click here to see the video on the prisoner squats- a good pre-req to Hindu squats.

If I'm having a lazy housewife day like today, my workouts are usually 100 russian twists minus the dumbell coz I don't have any:




Hanging leg raises (until I think I'm going to puke):




And tricep dips. I can only do like, 2 sets of 10 before I die. But at least it's something!:



So, that's what I do in between vacuuming, dishes, scrubbing the tub, and whatever else I can think of. It's easy to recover for a few hours, and do the whole thing over again. I'm so excited to have found Hindu squats because they DO NOT HURT YOUR KNEES!!! I have a bad right knee, and a bad right ankle, so jogging too much, or jump roping too often really puts a strain on my ligaments. But the Hindu squat motion is so fluid, there's really not enough time for anything to get pulled all funny. Yay!

And with that, I'm off to practice what I preach. What are some of your "lazy day" workouts?

-Ash

P90SEX with Mr. Szabo

I did it, assholes! And by assholes, I mean lovely people who I love.

Earlier today, I decided to fire up the ol' camera and document my first P90X workout in months, for posterity and for humor's sake.

Some things of note before you watch:

1. I don't know WHAT is up with the sound in some cases. It's not the same volume in a lot of cases.

2. This is embarrassing as all hell. Hope y'all appreciate this!

3. I learned the hard way that music does not equal easy to hear monologuing. Apologies.

4. My video did a terrible job of showcasing exactly what goes into a typical X workout. It's strenuous, varied, and tiring.

I HATE BRETT SZABO.

Dear Hotties of the Inter-verse,

This blog stars Mr. Nate Tucker as our lovely narrator! I use only heart wipes this time, coz I has hearts for heem.

Brett had to go big dickin' all us chicks and upping the ante. I will not be outdone. Enter: Billy Blanks 45 minute cardio explosion. And the subsequent explosion of my sweat glands. Hurts so good! I was so winded I couldn't record a closing to the video blog.



I Hate Brett Szabo,
-Ash

Jogging? Pfeh!

Hello, internet. You might be asking yourself, "Hey, who is this chucklefuck. He's not a chick. In fact, he looks rather manly with that beard and penis he has."

I know. It's throwing you off. And that's okay, kids!

A few months back, I started the grueling P90X workout, and it sure as shit worked for me. I was pushing myself, and after each daily hour-long exercise, I felt a tremendous amount of accomplishment.

What is P90X, you ask? Well here ya go!


Then I moved. I still had the DVDs, but not the access to weights, pull-up bars, yoga blocks/mats, and most importantly - workout partners.

After weighing myself last week, and vomiting with rage at the very high number I saw, I determined that it was time to trim up like I used to. "But Brett, you just said you didn't have weights and junk." How true. But hey, I can improvise. Oh, you want me to lift 10 pound weights? How about I steal this baby and lift it instead? Oh, a yoga block? What about a big ol' block o' cheese? See, I can do this shit if I really try.

My next entry will be a very entertaining (embarrassing) recording of my first P90X workout after three months of stagnation! HOORAY!

Jogging still sucks...yet, somehow sucks less....

So, I've been kindof a slacker and haven't jogged since my Jog Blog. Terrible! So, this morning I did something I've never done before...

I JOGGED BEFORE WORK!!!!

This is a huge personal victory, because it's something I've always said I would do. "Yeah, I mean, I'll wake up tomorrow and run and whatever...ya know, then go to work." But it usually ends up "Dear Gob, why did I drink 12 beers? I'd better sleep til the last possible second where I have to shower...."

I tried to go for 2 victories in 1 (never a good idea. always savor victories singly) and jog/walk for 45 mins instead of my usual 20. I managed to make it 30 somehow. I kinda blacked out for part of it.

On October 7th, I took my measurements. It's time to start charting progress! I learned that I have 5" to lose in my waist. When I measured again on the 13th, I'd only lost an inch in my butt. Great. The last place I want to lose anything.  I didn't measure anything that I wasn't concerned about, because that's a waste of my time. But as of today I'm at:

• Gut Across Bellybutton (target area)- 35"
• Butt (across widest part)-39"
• High Waist (ya know, the tiny part)- 30"

So, I've lost an inch in my butt, and an inch in my high waist since October 7th! WOOT!! I'm gonna try and kick it up a notch and whittle this gut down, since it's the whole reason I'm doing this in the first place. 5 inches by Christmaaaaaas!!


Also, if you're a dude, DO NOT holler at a girl who's sweating her ass off, beet red, running on uneven brokenass hood sidewalk. That girl has enough adrenaline and rage built up to shoot a fireball from her eyes. That is, if she could have mustered the strength to turn her head fast enough to shoot the tires off your Chevy. I'm trying really hard not to make this about Mexicans.

ANYWAYS...I've noticed me and Dani both wear NEW BALANCE!! Not only my fave shoes ever, but I love that we've had these shoes 3+ years and they're immaculate still. So, now I have a buddy to kill my NB's with. Not sure what kinda shoes SJ is rockin', but maybe we could score some kind of New Balance sponsorship? Like, free tshirts to wear when we jog or something? I have no idea how to go about this. If anyone does, hook a sister up.

With that, it's time to make some egg/cheese/salsa breakfast tacos and shower the stench of yardwork off of me. Seriously, neighborhood of Battle Bend. Give me just ONE DAY where you're not cutting grass or chopping trees. My sinuses would love you forever.

Fat Girl Jogging Take 2

Dude. Jogging sucks. But Florence & The Machine rock!

5am is the middle of the night

I'm an over achiever. I've got a form of mental retardation that makes it impossible for me to settle for anything less than the high score, which I believe is the reason that I have always exceeded the BMI for my height/age. Some naysayers may try and point to my predication for southern cooking or my allergic reaction to physical endeavors, but I will stand by my deep seeded need for gold stars. In complete opposition to everything that I have just said, I have recently started going to the gym, mostly because my ladyfriends are doing it and I can't be left behind.

I wake up at 5am, put on my cutest/tightest workout gears and drag myself upstairs. Teeth brushing/ hair brushing / life hating / curse mouthing and I'm out the door by 5:20 - 30 minutes of C25K, 30 minutes of gettin swoll and im home by 6:30. This is how [nearly] every (other)day starts. I hate it. People talk about getting a runner's high or feeling better about themselves when they eat salad, but I think it's all bullshit. I feel better when I eat a sleeve of oreos before bed and I get a high when....I get high. Those two things may or may not be related to eachother and my lack of body karate. This doesn't mean im going to stop going to the gym or start eating shitty again. I am going to continue sweating like a demon and giving away all the baked goods that I make, because I refuse to come in any place but first. I need winning more than I need happiness. I told you I was retarded.

I'll keep you posted on my hate/ weight loss on a semi weekly basis or whatever. ugghhhhh its only 10 am and I'm already exhausted because I've been up for 5 hours- working out is for assholes- so uh good luck.

Operation: Hot- Jog Blog

I'm on the bandwagon!!

I'd like to start with this video that Colin just shared. It adheres 100% to my goal of Operation:Hot. Getting fit while not changing my drinking habits (only my mild junkfood consumption.). Austinites, anyone wanna see who can do the worm all the way across the dancefloor of the Elysium? Tampanians, let's bring back that whole roller disco thing they had going for 2 seconds at Czar. I'm gonna need SOMETHING to do when I visit. Ya know, besides bitching about how much Tampa sucks.



Study: Americans Get Majority Of Exercise While Drunk
Pullups on a traffic signal while wearing a suit? I'd do that guy.


After Daniella reminded me of it's awesomeness, I decided to start, and COMMIT to the Couch to 5k program! I'm extremely pleased with myself, because I made it the entire stretch of my neighborhood, which is 2 miles! My first attempt at jogging without a plan ended up being very similar to the jog-walk-jog-walk pattern, but, I was twice as exhausted, and didn't feel that I really had a goal. And I only made it a mile (see my 2nd entry). Today was completely different. Timing my run, and my distance made the running part just mechanical. After the first mile I became so delirious (runners high? booze withdrawls? who's to say...) that I was actually able to focus, center, and find my breath. All the sudden breathing in and out became the adventure, instead of moving my feet. I think today was a super successful first day, and I'm actually looking forward to Friday when I do the 2nd segment of the first week's workout plan.

After that, I cooled out with some yoga to get rid of some extra energy. I SERIOUSLY recommend that everyone check out the yoga dude in my 2nd post. The video is so easy to understand, and I later found out that it's the basic flow that other yogas are based on. Yay! Not to mention it lights your abs on fire. And makes sex better. I'm serious. KEGELS!!!

So, that was my 70% commitment to myself. Today I came through on my 20% commitment as well....FOOD! I ate like crap all day before my workout, and realized I'd feel a lot better without a bunch of bullshit in my system. So I went to HEB, spent $60 and got enough stuff to make yummy healthy meals and snacks for the week! Nate claims he'll eat tofu. I told him he'll eat tofu or starve, so, there ya go. I cooked up a couple meals to take to work. I made Crispy Seitan Stir-Fry, except instead of seitan I used tofu, because I just couldn't find the stuff. I even went to the "hipster" HEB. I'll have to suck it up and deal with the Whole Foods parking situation next time.




     

I'm so pumped to have a week of healthy fooooods! If I'm able to score a side job soon (HIRE ME. I'M SO RAD AND I LOVE PAPERWORK. LET ME DO YOUR PAYROLL.), it'll be non stop healthies! Lucky me, Udon noodles are cheap, and not terrible for you. Well, at least not as bad as a McDonalds cheeseburger. And, since you guys give a flying fuck, here's a vid of all the fun stuff I bought at the store today, and what I intent to do with it! Don't cry tho. I'm too lazy to put makeup on, so I'm showing my true colors. Or lack thereof. Later hotties!   

Fat Girl Jogging

I am a fat girl. I am a fat girl who has spent most of her life with her nose in a book. I've never been athletic, I've never been into sports. I have a very special (and probably slightly inappropriate) relationship with complex carbohydrates and refined sugar. I have asthma and creaky knees. I am the opposite of competitive. All in all, I've spent 28 years becoming the soft, gooey young lady typing to you today.

That said: I'm fucking tired of being jiggly. I'm tired of the lumpy thighs and muffin top. So I made a pretty drastic decision last week: I'm going to start jogging.

It was suggested by a friend that I look into the Couch to 5k program. It's super easy. You jog a bit, walk a bit. Then you work up after a few days to jogging a bit more, walking a bit less. Until after several weeks you can jog the entire time. I'm on day 3. So far I've been doing okay. Not awesome. I haven't always made it the whole 20 minutes of jogging/walking. Sometimes I have an asthma attack and have to stop for a little while. Sometimes I feel like I'm dying and I curse the sky and begin bargaining with a God I'm not sure I believe in.

Feeling particularly optimistic the other day I made myself a mix for my iPod titled 'Running'. Mostly I've been listening to it while I clean the kitchen but I have listened to it while jogging/walking a few mornings. It's a whole bunch of Lady Gaga and Amanda Palmer. I figure 'dance-y and/or angry' was pretty motivational.

Pitfall though? Whole milk mochas. And I work in a coffee house. Going to have to keep jogging if I want to stave off turning into Jabba the Hut.

Day 3 & 4....sorta....

I want to apologize in advance about my deteriorating mental state, and the un...witty...ness....of the blog about to commence. I've only had 2 hours of sleep in the past 2 days. I took day 3 off of OP:Hot to spend some QT with my boo before I had to take him to the airport at three forty fucking five AY-EM this morning. He gets a mini Florida vacay for his best friend's brother's wedding. Exciting!

I couldn't sleep when I got home from dropping him off at plane town, and had to work at 9am. I told myself I'd take a nap, then do some workouts after work. INSTEAAAD.....I hiked the Barton Creek Greenbelt with my buddies Tyler and William. Exhausted mentally, but not physically, we went 3 miles. Could've gone more, but we had a late start, and it started to get a little dusky. After meeting several cute dogs (including a dalmatian that was scared of swimming), and peeing in a swimming hole, we decided to go back to the car. Since we're all chicks, none of us could keep a handle on which direction we were going, and we got a little lost. We ended up in a dry gully full of beer bottles, abandoned jeans and bras, and this....





What.the.feck.

Soon after, we emerged on the complete opposite side of the parking lot that we started off on. Bitchin' adventure. Then we walked to the top of Mt. Bonnell (you can hardly call it a mountain), and caught the sunset to the sweet, sweet music of some hippie dude playing an electric sitar.





Sushi we ate, and now blogging I am. I really, really really wish I wasn't afraid of the dark so I could get some beauty sleep. You sure can't be hot with raccoon circles under your eyes, and crazy talk coming out of your mouth. Wish me luck.


ALSO....if anyone wants to join me for OP: Hot and be a guest blogger, lemme know. I'm so willing to open this up and let it be a fitness community/comedy thing. Working out is always funny when you're out of shape. Always. Let's laugh at each other.

PS: I saw a peacock too!

Day 2: The Hangover

DON'T.EVER.DRINK.THUNDERBIRD.





While $5 and 14% alcohol sound like a really awesome idea, it always ends terribly. By that I mean you have an awesome night, watch torture porn with your friends, get home, bone, and go to sleep. And of course, wake up puking NEON GREEN BILE. Like, seriously, that Crayola crayon like, "electric lime" or some shit. Seriously. Awful. So, after like 3 naps, a few slices of Dominos Pizza, Chicken Kickers and major amounts of water, I felt okay enough to do my laundry, and do some yoga!

I even got Nate to do it! Since he was drunk, and I was hungover, we only made it 15 minutes into the hour long session. But hey, the point is, even though I was wallowing in my self-inflicted hell, I still stuck to Operation: Hot. I'm proud of myself. And I got to stare at Nate's booty in downward dog. Bonus.

Since today's blog was lame and uninspiring, and utilized terrible grammar, I'll leave you with some comedic gems that are hilarious if you're me or Nate. Promise I won't be hung over tomorrow.

Day 1: Success. But it always is, isn't it?

Let me start out by saying that yoga is way more serious than I thought it was. Especially from this guy:

Seriously. Invest in this DVD. Or be cool like me and borrow it in torrent form for a little while. It's an hour long, and my abs were shaking, all the while clearing my head. INTENSE! After yoga, I made a couple good descisions, and practiced my bass. Learning new basslines makes me happy, and hobbies are hot. And this whole thing is about being hot, right?

After the earth shattering yoga, I decided to jog. AND I MADE IT AN ENTIRE MILE! Keeping with my highschool speed of a 14 minute mile. WOO! It's nice to know that after 10 years, I still suck, but at least I don't suck worse.

"FUCK SHOES!"- exclamation. Not to be confused with "fuckshoes", noun.

I was going to try and do some upside down crunches off my pull-up bar, but when I attempted to hoist my legs over my head, I got a charlie horse so bad in my right butt cheek that I fell to the ground laughing. The kind of laughter that gives you jelly-bones and you can't stand up. I decided that was a neon sign to call it quits for the day.

All in all, not too shabby. If I can do this same routine tomorrow, then maybe I'll actually believe that I can handle this lifestyle change.

I'll leave you all with a killer song, and one of the basslines I learned today. Time to paint my toesies!

Operation: Hot

This blog is dedicated to my quest in becoming hot again. I used to be a totally in shape, sex machine, getting hit on all the time type-person. Now, I'm a pudgy, lazy, married person. Not that marriage has anything to do with this, coz my husband has actually LOST weight (Trainspotting looking asshole!).

I'm not giving myself a deadline, coz those don't work. And I'm not giving myself too many rules, because, gods know I'll rebel against those too. What I am giving myself is a ratio to follow. Operation: Hot will consist of:

• 70% physical activity
• 20% not eating shitty food all the time
• 10% girlie stuff. leg shaving, toenail painting, etc. 

I put physical activity up there so high because I'm FUCKING LAZY. I put not eating shitty food all the time kinda low because I generally eat alright. But, the second I forbid Taco Bell, it's 3 Nachos Bell Grande's down the gullet. However, it's that little 10% that I think will be the greatest challenge. Even when you see a chick who's not that great in the looks department, if her face is did, her nails are nice, and her nylons aren't snagged, she gets bumped up to "good looking", or "pretty". And I'd rather be hit by an 18 wheeler than to fall out of the "pretty" category.

I'm not sure how often I'll be updating this. Absolutely daily, but possibly more than once a day. Some of it will be super boring stuff like, shit I ate, what workouts I did, blah blah blah. But sometimes I'll post pics of me trying to pretend I'm totally athletic, and those are always funny. You're welcome.

Here goes nothing!